The Bolar Den

[Daphne Greengrass]

Dee skips over with a large list of things to do.

1. Drink potions that make you shrink.

Dee brings out the firebeer, and she and the bolars all sit around in a circle. They drink more than Severus Snape on a bad day.

[The Bolars]

The bolars all drink up, and one even does a keg stand. After they finish off all the firebeer, the trees and rocks seem to grow around them. INSANITY.

[Daphne Greengrass]

Dee picks up a brobdingnagian pebble that is not actually brobdingnagian. "LOOK AT HOW HUGE THIS IS," she shrieks. "IT'S BIGGER THAN VIKTOR'S COCK."

[The Bolars]

The bolars titter over by the edge of the clearing. The Mama Bolar, Molly Uterus, brings over a little tray of cakes, because she has an oven. Yes she does.

[Guest]

Dee picks up a brobdingnagian pebble that is not actually brobdingnagian. "LOOK AT HOW HUGE THIS IS," she shrieks. "IT'S BIGGER THAN VIKTOR'S COCK."

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

[Daphne Greengrass]

Dee takes a cake or two, as she isn't really paying attention at this point. I mean, seriously. The girl is totally smoshed. She eats it very daintily for a wasted spaz.

[The Bolars]

The bolars all have some too. They have to adhere to Queen Dee's wishes. Suddenly, the world appears to shrink, and the group seems to grow because we're on...

2. Eat cakes that make us grow.

[Daphne Greengrass]

Dee picks up the same pebble. It's the same size as it was before, but to her eyes, it's much smaller now. "LOOK! It's absolutely miniscule," Dee booms. "It looks to be about the same size as an ovum! Aren't those, like, really tiny?" Dee asks, looking pointedly at Ovary.

[The Bolars]

Ovary shrugs, because he's a male, after all. The bolars flail around, because they're so big. "I think we should drink more firebeer," said Fallopian. "Maybe we'll get to be normal-sized again."

[Daphne Greengrass]

Dee agrees, and ruffles Fallopian's fur. "You're so smartical, Fallopian. What would I do without you? Oh yeah, I wouldn't be able to get my ova fertilized." She and the bolars all take Fallopian's advice and drink some more firebeer.

[The Bolars]

"It's working. IT'S WORKING," they shriek. Because it's working. Duh. "We've returned to normal size!"

3. Find animals that can talk.

[Daphne Greengrass]

The bolars and Dee all sit in a circle, gossiping. When the conversation turns to Snape, Dee covers her ears. Snape is a gross specimen. He's grosser than the crust living on Alecto's labia. He probably will contribute some of that crust soon, if he hadn't already. She doesn't understand why the bolars like him so much. Suddenly, a bunny hops into the clearing. It starts throwing tea cups everywhere and saying mad things, such as "SPOON!"

[The Bolars]

The bolars flail about. A talking bunny has entered their clearing! Should they eat it, rape it, or sing show tunes with it? It's a very tough decision. They turn to Queen Dee for help.

[Daphne Greengrass]

Queen Dee thinks for a moment. She doesn't really fancy raping it, and a rabbit stew could be nice, but Samwise Gamgee stole her spices, and there were no taters in sight. What to do, what to do? Singing show tunes was the only option left. Dee tells the bolars so.

[The Bolars]

The bolars all sit in a circle around the bunny, so there's no escape. "NOBODY'S PERFECT, I GOTTA WORK IT." Fallopian kicks Clitoris in the shins. "Why do you like that show? IT'S SO STUPID!" Clitoris tackles Fallopian and the whole clan ends up fighting in the presence of Queen Dee. *gasp* As a punishment, Queen Dee takes the rabbit away from the naughty bolars and sets it free.

[Daphne Greengrass]

4. Find a cat that can disappear.

Queen Dee sends some of the bolars to the castle to get some more firebeer, but instead of only returning with a keg, they bring Mrs. Norris along as well. "Hi, Mrs. Norris," Dee greets from her boulder throne. "Have you and Albus had some lovely sex recently? I heard tell of you two's exploits."

[The Bolars]

The bolars look at this tasty cat. If Albus Dumbledore reveled in its taste, then it must be good, even if it looked like a ragamuffin. They lick their lips, wanting just one taste of that cat, but then, it vanishes.

[Daphne Greengrass]

Dee stares at the spot where Mrs. Norris vanished. "Where did it go?" she mused, confused. The punch line of this story is that Mrs. Norris is still there, and the group is far too drunk to notice this. Mrs. Norris sticks her tail in the air, and rushes back to her beloved Filch. "SEE YA, MOTHERDUCKERS."

[The Bolars]

5. There is a place called Bolarland.

The bolars watch Mrs. Norris go. What a rude kitty! "Queen Dee, it's time to show your Bolarland," Scrotum says dramatically. They lead her to a fern. This fern has a many spores on it. "Those are the buildings," said Testes. "That's my house!"

[Daphne Greengrass]

"OH MY ROWLING, it's so beautiful!" Dee exclaims. "My kingdom is so large!" She holds the fern in her palm. "Wow," she says, in awe. Drunken fool. *rolls eyes*

[The Bolars]

6. I can slay the Jabberwocky.

Suddenly, a little mouse comes into the clearing, and everyone jumps. "IT'S THE JABBERWOCKY. DEE, YOU HAVE TO KILL IT, BECAUSE IT'S FRABJOUS DAY!" screams a random bolar.

[Daphne Greengrass]

Dee runs up a tree and falls on her back. The Jabberwocky Mouse was creeping closer. Dee feints right and runs left, stabbing the jabberwocky with a spork until it met its ultimate doom. And then Dee left the bolars so they could have their snack.

NO JABBERWOCKY MICE WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST.

[The Bolars]

BECAUSE I'M BORED.

The bolars are all doing different things. Some, like Clitoris, were plotting ways to get into the Slytherin boys' dorm. Labia was chewing on a wiener. Not a hot dog one, actually. A real, furry orange bolar one.

It's one of the many ways they get pleasure.

The rest of the bolars were milling about, doing random things like humping trees, drinking alcohol, all that fun stuff.

[Cormac McLaggen]

-Stumbles in to the Bolar's den-

[Scorpius Malfoy]

[Oh my fucking god Dee. I love you. So much. It was so hard to read this with my mom sitting next to me...because I really had to prevent myself from laughing out loud.]

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