Re: The Hog's Head

[Draco Malfoy]

[SEVVY!!! *hugs* i'm sorry.... ]

[Guest]

[-would have made it more depressing, but just found joe walker on twitter and is amused by his ramblings-]

[Guest]

Severus locked the door behind him and sighed, tossing his stuff on the ground. It really did smell like goat shit. There were some extremely questionable stains on the floor and walls, and what looked disturbingly like blood spattered all over the ceiling. It was dark, windowless, dank, and cold- it was perfect. He collapsed on the bed which squeaked sickeningly under his weight, and threw back more of the whiskey, tears running down his cheeks. You'd think he'd be smarter by now, after all of these years having the truth hammered into his head. You're useless, you're stupid, you're ugly and twisted and horrible and you'll never be loved- how many times had he heard things like that? Not enough, apparently. I really don't deserve to live, do I? Perhaps I should just end it now, at least I can be sure of making someone happy. Several someones, actually. But no, dammit, no, I had to go and promise her, promise Lily, that I wouldn't. Why did I do that, why did she make me? Doesn't she see how much better off the world is without Severus Snape, cockroach in human form? I guess not. She was a strange one, that Lily, that beautiful Lily. Believing in the best of people, always. She always saw the best in James, didn't she? That's why she kept letting him lead her on. And apparently she seemed to find some good in Severus, some good that he just couldn't see for himself. There was always the possibility she was simply insane- that would explain why she'd ever keep him around. I miss you, Lily. I wish you were here. But no, he didn't wish she were here, seeing him at his worst, sitting alone in this godforsaken place, drinking himself numb.

The light was shining brightly outside; it was a beautiful spring day. But Severus hadn't noticed. He remained in the dark, drinking silently for hours. He normally didn't take his time drinking- he'd rather just get drunk as quickly as possible, normally. But now he had nothing else to do with his time, so he may as well drag it out. He noticed a small record player in the corner of the room, and smiled a little. Music would help. He fumbled through his bag, finding a favorite of his and setting it up. As the music turned on, he returned to the bed, pulling out his favorite photograph. He didn't really remember who'd taken it; perhaps Lily's mum? He sighed and held it to his chest, wishing he could go back to the memory it held, and closed his eyes.

[Guest]

It had been a windy day, the summer breeze a nice change from the searing heat at Spinner's End. The two of them had wandered along the outskirts of town, holding hands and skipping happily together. She'd been his friend for as long as he could remember; his only friend, for so long. Eventually he'd met Pansy, and a few other Slytherins, but none besides her he could really call anything more than an acquaintance. And then, of course, there was Remus. Remus... No, I won't think about you. I was happy before you, I know I was. I knew what it was like to be happy, I did, I did... Yes, that summer day was happy, so happy. Running through the grassy fields, away from that awful town, away from his dingy home- no, house- that house was not a home. Lily and Sev, as different as could be, but they were friends, and he'd been happy. Happy. It didn't feel like he'd ever be happy again, not now, not after all of this, not after Remus. The tears he hadn't realized he'd been holding back started to fall, sliding down his hollow cheeks silently. He sat there in silence, listening to the song, trying to forget, to escape, to breathe.

Ich liebe dich
Ich liebe dich nicht
Ich liebe dich nicht mehr
Ich liebe dich nicht mehr oder weniger als du
Als du mich geliebt hast
Als du mich noch geliebt hast

He loved the play on words, the sweet and torturous sound of the singer's voice, so beautiful, so mournful. And how true the words were. I love you, I love you not, I love you no more, I love you no more or less than you, than you loved me, when you still loved me... It didn't sound quite right in English- some things were better said in other languages. He turned to look for a clock, not finding one and lying back down. Though, what did it matter what time it was? Time didn't matter anymore. He shivered, not even really sure why- the whiskey normally kept him warm enough, no matter the weather, and today was a warm day. He didn't know, he didn't care, he just lay there, alone and distraught, alone as always. It seemed that no matter what he'd thought, he really had been alone all along. Things that had once seemed so right, so perfect, now turned so plastic, so fake, so broken. Plastic, fake, and broken, just like Severus was. He was always pretending, pretending he didn't care, when he heard the words his father screamed, when he didn't hear the words he wished his mother would say, when he said the words that they wanted to hear, just to get them to go away.

Die schönen Mädchen sind nicht schön
Die warmen Hände sind so kalt
Alle Uhren bleiben stehen
Lachen ist nicht mehr gesund und bald

Such ich dich hinter dem Licht
Wo bist du
So allein will ich nicht sein
Wo bist du

"Wo bist du, Remus?" he asked the empty room. "Where are you, my love? So allein, will ich nicht sein... I don't know if I can bear this loneliness much longer, I don't know, I don't want to, I don't want to think, to speak..." he mumbled to himself, grabbing the bottle again, draining the last of its contents.

[Guest]

Severus dug through his bag, looking for his Transfiguration textbook. He had nothing better to do; he was out of whiskey, and was too damn tired to go get more. Instead, he pulled out an empty bottle of Firebeer. It must have fallen in his bag at some point. He groaned, wishing it were full- that Floo Powder label tasted totally awesome. Though, to be honest, he might be a bit too drunk to notice any real difference in taste. Either way, it reminded him of Pansy, who he suddenly missed dearly. He thought about going back up to the castle and looking for her, but decided she had better things to do than talk to a drunken depressed idiot, who was only drunk and depressed because he was an idiot who hadn't listened to her in the first place. He decided to send her a note instead; it was probably for the best that at least one person knew where he was; if he died of alcohol poisoning here, he wasn't sure anyone would notice- the stench of rotting corpse wasn't strong enough to make a difference in this smelly hole. He scribbled something on a bit of parchment and charmed it to find her, then buried his face in his ragged pillow, sighing as the song ended.

Ich suche dich hinter dem Licht
Wo bist du
So allein will ich nicht sein
Wo bist du
Ich such dich unter jedem Stein
Wo bist du
Ich schlaf mit einem Messer ein
Wo bist du

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

who was only drunk and depressed because he was an idiot who hadn't listened to her in the first place.

[Damn right.]

[Guest]

Severus opened his eyes a moment, rubbing away the tears. He needed sleep, though he didn't want to- he was too afraid of dreaming. Despite himself, his eyes shut again, and he fell into a deep sleep, that practically nothing could wake him from.

[-will be going to her mom's soon, and is packing for the week then leaving- will be on later tonight, but I don't know for how long, I am sad, and there is tequila there, which I have not had in far too long-]

[Guest]

-is still here but has no idea when she'll be leaving, so may disappear randomly-

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

Pansy ran down the streets of Hogsmeade, weaving between the people who were walking far too slowly and carelessly. She tripped several times, cursing the fact that she was still drunk at a moment like this. She shoved the door of the Hog's Head open, nearly knocking over a middle-aged wizard standing in the doorway as she headed toward the bar. She didn't see Severus anywhere inside. "Aberforth..." Pansy panted, catching her breath from running the whole way here. "Where.. is he?" she managed between gasps. He pointed toward the stairs and she took off without asking which room. It didn't matter, she'd find him anyway. "Severus!" she shouted as she headed up the stairs two at a time.

[Guest]

Severus stirred in his sleep, vaguely aware of someone yelling beyond the door. He groaned and grabbed the nearest bottle, only to be reminded it was empty. He sat up groggily, looking sadly at the empty bottle and started talking to it. "Why am I such a loser? I wish I was a bottle, a bottle of whiskey. Then I'd be delicious. If I were delicious, maybe Remus would like me better. I wonder if I can transfigure myself into a chocolate bar..."

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

[hahahaha a chocolate bar. it worked for me. ]

She picked the first door she came to, the only one closed and locked that she could see from the top of the stairs. Pounding on it with her fist, she shouted. "Severus! Severus Snape!"

[Guest]

"Unnghhhh?" he asked, not really sure what was going on. He flicked his wand at the door muttering alohamora, too tired to get up and open the door himself.

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

[Getting dinner, reply after I get back. Sorry.]

[Guest]

[might be gone then, but I'll respond when I can.]

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

[Alright.]

There was a clicking at the door behind Pansy, a door which she hadn't paid attention to before. She turned around, hearing Severus mumble inside. An old wizard opened the door she had been banging on, giving her a rather enraged glare. "Uh, sorry!" she shouted before turning and throwing Severus's door open and stepping inside, closing it quickly behind her. She'd forgotten about Sev in her momentary panic, but quickly remembered what she was doing here when she saw him staring at two empty bottles of whiskey. She crossed the room in a couple quick steps and sat down on the bed beside him. "What's wrong?" she asked, taking the empty bottle from his hands.

[Guest]

Severus grabbed the bottle back, hugging it like it was his teddy bear. "Mine! No takey!" he said irritably, before throwing his arms around Pansy and bursting into tears again. "He left me, Pansy, he's gone, forever this time, he's goooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeee!" he sobbed, clinging to her tightly. "Gone! He said he loved me, Pansy Flower, he said he looooooveeddd me! He lieeeeeeeeeeddd, LIEEEEEEEEDDD!"

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

Pansy jumped back as he snatched the bottle away, but quickly found herself in a hug like old times again. She knew he wouldn't be talking about anyone other than Remus. "Aw, Sev, I'm so sorry," was all she could think to say. She was never a comforter, and her brain still wasn't working right thanks to all the firebeer she'd had this morning. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, trying to let him feel at least a little comfort in that, even if her words rang empty. She held his shaking form tight, wishing she could've protected him from this.

[Guest]

Severus sat there clinging to her for a long while, crying his heart out to her. She was a wonderful friend, sitting here with him, when she should by all means have whacked him upside the head and said "TOLD YOU SO!" He snuggled up to her, finally calming down. "I'm sorry, Pansy. I should have listened to you, I should have. Why was I so stupid? Why? What an idiot I've been, thinking I might actually matter to someone, that someone could learn to love me. I've been a fool, and you tried to stop me, and I'm sorry that I've let you down," he said, staring at his feet.

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

[Sorry, distracted watching a movie, haha.]

"Sev, no. You haven't let me down, don't you worry about me." She leaned over to look him in the eyes. "Don't say you don't matter, Sev. You matter to more people than you realize sometimes." She rubbed his back, hoping he would calm down. He got upset so easily, and she wasn't good with making things like this all better.

[Guest]

Sev looked up at her sadly. "I wish I had a love like yours, Pansy. It's obvious how much you two care about each other. I just wish that it was possible for me to ever have that, though now I know it'll never happen for me. I won't deny I'm jealous," he said, feeling a lot better now that she was here.

[-does not know about Dramione, and needs to find out-]

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

Pansy bit her lip as he mentioned her 'love'. She glanced away. "Yeah. About that. I don't know anymore." She felt stupid complaining about her own problems when he was clearly so heartbroken, but clearly he hadn't heard about it yet. Maybe it hadn't gotten around the school yet. She hoped it wouldn't, but knowing how things around here usually went, it wouldn't take long. Everyone would know soon, and she pushed it out of her mind.

[Guest]

Severus looked at her, concerned. "What do you mean you don't know anymore?" he said sharply, coming out of the emo world in his head.

[What movie?]

[Pansy Parkinson-Malfoy]

[How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, hahaha.]

"Lover boy got a little friendly with Granger," she said, amazing with the lack of emotion she managed.

[Guest]

[OMG I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MOVIE IN AGES! *remembers it being hysterical*]

Severus dropped the bottle of whiskey he was holding in shock, the glass shattering on the floor. "What do you mean, 'got a little' friendly? He didn't... HE DIDN'T!" he cried out in disbelief, staring at her wide eyed.

[Muffy - Tam - Draco]

[Oh, I did. I got freaky naughty. -poses-]

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